Parenting teens

Originally published in the Ketchikan Daily News, September 2019; written by Lisa Pearson.

I have the dubious good fortune of having both a 7th grader and a high school senior this year. And – like so many parents before me – I am finding the whole thing a little stressful. Thank goodness my local library provides such vital new resources in my hour of need.

“College Admissions Cracked: saving your kid (and yourself) from the madness” is by Jill Margaret Shulman, a professional college admissions coach (yes, there is such a thing). Her book is a combination of soothing words, insightful humor, and concrete advice in the form of a monthly timeline. This timeline initially caused me a little anxiety, as I had to flip to the center of the book to find the current moment in my daughter’s academic progress. Apparently, you’re supposed to begin working on this admissions stuff as soon as your child becomes a junior.

Most of the junior year advice is devoted to college shopping and standardized testing. The college visit information is only helpful if you are actually doing college visits (the author lives in “The Five College Area” – go ahead and Google it – so for her kids, college visits did not entail a 4-hour plane ride and a 4-figure travel budget). However, there is a lot of great, funny parent-to-parent advice on how to ease your teen into thinking about college and studying for SATs without having them explode.

Shulman’s chapter on the college application essay is worthy of praise all on its own, because she explains what the essay is actually supposed to do (help the admissions officer get a feel for who your child is as a person), how it’s going to be read (this is a sample of your child’s creative nonfiction writing skills), and your job as a parent (proofread for errors, don’t rewrite for style and content). As a parent, it’s very reassuring to hear that it’s far more important for my daughter’s authentic voice to come across in those 650 words than for her essay to read like something published in Atlantic Weekly.

Shulman includes a To-Do list for each month, as well as checklists, online tools, and a bibliography of test prep and college choice guides. She also takes frequent mental-health breaks where she assures the reader that they are in control, on track, and not failing their child (I get the feeling she deals with a lot of highly-strung parents in her role as admissions coach). Her main message throughout this book is that whatever college application process appeals to you and your child, you should not worry if your child’s path to college is different than someone else’s.

“Middle School Matters: the 10 key skills kids need to thrive in middle school and beyond – and how parents can help” is pretty low on the humor quotient, but valuable nonetheless. Author Phyllis Fagell focuses almost entirely on communication between parent and child and helping parents deal with the mood swings, social anxiety and erratic behavior that come along with the early teen years. The purpose of the book is to help parents guide their middle school kids through complex issues that they themselves may not have had to deal with, such as sexting and cyberbullying, while encouraging their kids to develop a strong sense of themselves and their own worth.

Fagell is a middle school counselor herself, with a private family counseling practice as well, and she uses a lot of personal experiences and case histories to add weight to her advice. Her ’10 key skills’ are primarily social, centered on empathy, making good choices, being able to communicate, and having a positive self-image. The most helpful aspect of her book is that she helps parents dig down underneath the attitude and bravura that young teens armor themselves with to understand what they are really feeling and saying. She helps parents couch their responses in ways that are least likely to aggravate the situation.

“Middle School Matters” is also written with educators in mind, and each chapter includes ideas for classroom activities and discussions to reinforce social skills. The back of the book has an Educator Discussion Guide and a lengthy list of bibliographic references.

So if you or someone you know is has a stressful year of parenting ahead, please check out the resources we have here at the public library, and save yourself a few gray hairs.